Below are the most recent 7 friends' journal entries.

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010
jdeguzman	8:21a	Writing, Post MFA Originally published at Possible Impossibilities. You can comment here or there. December marked the second year since I finished my coursework for my Master of Fine Arts degree. Milestones, arbitrary as they might be, can be stressful, can make you ask yourself uncomfortable questions. How far have I come? Am I successful at what I set out to be successful at? I read stories about a writer who sells her novel seven months after graduating with her MFA, and I start to get that really annoying (to both oneself and others) self-doubt anxiety. Am I good enough? Am I trying hard enough? Is the future a bleak landscape of blasted ambition? We all have our moments. This particular one is coming at 6:30 a.m., after I’ve been up for two hours after four hours sleep and I’m contemplating yet another narrative approach to the next novel I’m trying to write. (I’ve decided that first person wasn’t working.) And the doubt I have is telling me that I’ve done too much of that — contemplating — instead of acting. A lot of my self-criticism is justified, I think. However, I think that people who have to regulate their own productivity — especially creative productivity — need to temper self-criticism with acknowledgment of what they have accomplished. Otherwise, you can paralyze yourself. Then you think about how you have accomplished those things and try to apply it to where you think you’re flagging. So: Self Criticism: I have only finished one prose short story since graduating. (Albeit one I like and am trying to get published.) Counter: I have also finished two complete revisions of my novel, which is in the hands of an editor at a good book publisher. And I wrote and had published 24 columns for Publishers Weekly, short comics for Newsarama and Comic Book Resources, and a short story in the anthology This Is A Souvenir: The Songs Of Spearmint & Shirley Lee. So what’s going on here? The big difference is that writing short stories is something I have to do completely of my own motivation. There’s no one asking me to write them, no editor giving me notes on them, no guarantee of publication. It’s an expenditure of effort without guarantee of reward. But I used to write short stories regularly, and, no accident, get them published a lot more often, too. What happened? For one, I shifted my focus. I used to write speculative fiction, which, I think, is easier to sell than straight literary fiction, since the submission and publication pools are smaller. Part of this change was due to ego — I wanted to be a literary writer, not a genre one — and part of it was just due to a change in interests. However, seeing as I still write stories with a tinge of the magical, it could be that I should return to doing what I was kind of successful at — writing and selling literary speculative fiction. Another thing that happened is that I learned to be less active in promoting my work. I got writing gigs because editors asked me to write something for them. I won a contest because my friend Peter O’Sullivan submitted a story I wrote (he was acting as an agent of one of my professors). I got the opportunity to go to China because one of my professors nominated me. I won English department awards for papers that had been assigned to me. Alex de Campi did me an awesome turn and introduced me to agents and editors she’s worked with. There was a lot of direction in my life, a lot of me being rewarded because I did what I was asked to do and did it well. But there was little of me making leaps into situations where I might fail. Facing the possibility of rejection is a lot less attractive than taking the acceptance that’s offered. But the thing is, if you stop throwing yourself in the path of potential rejection, the successes that put you out there for offered acceptance won’t happen, either. You’ll use up your stock without without replenishing it. You’ll stagnate and then dry up. So that’s what is underlying the self-doubt — a failure to learn the right lessons from past success. I didn’t mean to make a New Year’s resolution, but it seems I have. I will risk failing more in 2010. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
hallowmas	12:37a	( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. ) Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 3rd, 2010
slg_news	7:01p	10:55 Check out Captain Long Ears by Diana Thung, coming in May! is.gd/5KSTF bit.ly/6mhOCE # (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 31st, 2009
jdeguzman	12:07p	The New Year and the Little Stranger I'm spending New Year's Eve really tired of being pregnant. I can't believe that I'm supposed to have nearly another month of this. My whole self rebels against it: No, no, no, this baby needs to come early. It's technically already full term, so it just needs to get out of me. There have been nice moments, when the little thing bouncing around in me was a gentle reminder that the two of us were up to something, and wasn't it a nice little conspiracy for us. But now? I'm getting punched in the bladder, I have distinct baby feet tenderizing my abdomen from the inside, my feet and face and hands are puffy, and last night I couldn't get out of the bathtub without help. It's a humbling experience. At times, my body becomes so removed from what I think of as mine that I talk to myself in the third person -- like when I'm trying to turn over in bed or get up off the couch. "C'mon, Jennifer, you can do it." In my dream last night, I wasn't pregnant, and I was climbing a hill, swimming in a strange lake full of tiny Lovecraftian creatures, generally cavorting around in my old body, and it was so much fun. Morrissey turned up for some reason, and he was telling me about how when he resolved to be famous, he would be famous, and erase all traces of Stephen Morrissey and just be Morrissey, a new entity who was nothing but image, all surface and symbol. Swimming, though, has been a common element of my dreams while I've been pregnant -- and no wonder. I have someone living in a water world inside of me. It's weird to think, that at this moment, my body is the whole world of this someone whom I don't know yet. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 29th, 2009
jdeguzman	2:01p	The Allure of TV Judge Shows Originally published at Possible Impossibilities. You can comment here or there. I’m officially on maternity leave, with hours at home to while away. I have grand ambitions to do as the author of this 1912 pregnancy handbook, The Prospective Mother advises: Such then is the influence of the mind over the body that anyone who wishes to cultivate good health must correct the faulty habit of always thinking of herself. The most suitable form of diversion will depend upon personal taste. Domestic duties absorb the attention of most prospective mothers, but domestic duties should not occupy them exclusively. Outdoor recreation is necessary and serves the double purpose of strengthening mind and body. Public amusements should also be patronized; no prospective mother has the right to sacrifice herself to pride. Music, the various arts, a systematic course of reading, the acquisition of a foreign language – all these are commendable forms of diversion, and others will occur to anyone. Obviously the avocation will be most happily chosen if it directs the attention into channels likely to lead to the greatest pleasure. But let’s be honest. Outdoor recreation? I can manage a walk to the mailbox and back these days. Music? I tried playing the piano, but my sausaged-up fingers are stiff and clumsy. “A systematic course of reading”? Ah, there we go. I downloaded Ulysses on my Kindle. And then promptly despaired over how my brain has grown soft. Plus, I really don’t care about Stephen Dedalus and his stupid errand and what occupies his twenty-something-guy-mind right now. (I think I need to shift my Modernism impulse to Virginia Woolf.) There’s writing, of course, for which reason I also downloaded Francine Prose’s Reading Like a Writer, and I’m planning a trip to the library to check out some YA novels to read as research and easy diversion. But I know that I will fall into my guilty pleasure: Watching TV judge shows. I have always loved TV judge shows. Back when I was a kid, the only choice was The People’s Court, presided over by Judge Wapner (Divorce Court didn’t count, as it was acted, and I didn’t much care about divorce cases when I was a kid, anyway). These days, our fine country has a wealth of judge shows. Here are my impressions of all of them — and their judges — that I’ve seen. Divorce Court, presided over by Judge Lynn Toler — No longer acted, Divorce Court now features the familiar sight and sound of two people who genuinely hate each other bickering about who was controlling or cheating or lazy. All this has nothing to do with the actual “case,” which is usual “S/he owes me money” small-claims stuff. My favorite case featured a long-haired wannabe rocker who spent $1500 on a pair of leather pants because it was necessary for his image. The litigants can be shrill and are usually both what Judge Judy (see below) calls “marginal people,” but Judge Toler displays a good amount of warmth, restraint, and TV-judge-show-style wisdom. She’s also very pretty. Judge Alex, presided over by Judge Alex E. Ferrer — Judge Alex is the most even-keeled of all TV judges. He was a cop! A trial lawyer! A criminal court judge! And now a TV judge! He says nuh-uh to drama, and shuts down people who want to start in on it. For that reason, I don’t have any vivid memories of any of his cases, but at the same time I tend to turn off his show out of frustration less often than other judge shows. Judge Alex, like another TV judge, Marilyn Milian, is Cuban-American and pretty foxy. Judge Joe Brown, presided over by, uh, Judge Joe Brown — The opening of his show has Judge Joe Brown proclaiming that he’s here to “promote manhood and protect womanhood,” which gives you an idea of his sense of gender dynamics. He often berates the men in his court for their lack of manliness, whether it’s because they let women pay for things or wear earrings. Things get out of hand in his court often because he wants to challenge men’s manliness. He told one that he was acting like “an unruly woman,” because there’s no worse insult than to compare a man to a woman. The People’s Court, presided over by Judge Marilyn Milian — The classic show remains nearly unchanged since the days of Judge Wapner, down to the music and the typewriter sounds as the litigants’ claims appear on the screen. The most unwelcome new feature is the guy who stands on the street and asks the mush-mouthed people standing around him what they think of the case. The most obvious new feature is Judge Marilyn Milian herself (my friend Mike called The People’s Court “the pretty lady show”). She plays into that fiery Latina archetype and blows her top every once in a while, but overall is fair in her decisions. The cases themselves are usually pretty mundane — shoddy handyman work, cell phone bills. Judge Judy, presided over by Judge Judith Sheindlin — Perhaps the most famous of TV judge shows, Judge Judy is, to me, fantasy-fulfillment for sensible people. Stupid people are told outright that they are stupid. Liars are called liars. People who act like asses are labeled “marginal people.” Sometimes Judge Judy can be a little too mean, but when she corners someone in their bullshit, it can be amazing. My favorite incident of this is when a guy was acting like grabbing his ex-wife and pulling her toward him was no big deal. So Judge Judy asked him to demonstrate what he did, using his mother in place of his ex-wife. It was a real King Solomon moment. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 26th, 2009
jdeguzman	4:51p	Post-Christmas Mmm, Christmas. I made quinoa and mushroom pie flavored with dry vermouth, thyme and sage bechemel sauce. (I modified a Bon Appetit recipe for mushroom quinoa risotto, put it a pie crust, and gave it a sauce.) Eet was deelicious. Brian and I were pretty exhausted of buying stuff so we only got small presents for each other. My family was astounded by my impressive proportions. I don't know if I'm going to make it to my baby shower. After next week, though, I'm off work and resting. I feel like I waited a bit too long to do this, but I had stuff to do, you know? I just approved some proofs last week. But the way I feel now, I can't even imagine working on Monday. All I want to do is loll around. I'm passing the time by reading Ulysses. My Kindle tells me I'm 6% finished with it. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 24th, 2009
hallowmas	10:55p	( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )